i don’t normally do a blurb at the beginning but then again, lately, i don’t normally do these. anyway, i’m back today because that thing that’s got us all locked in our houses has given me back the time i used to use to write this. and i want to start with a quick note for all of the people who are also locked in their houses who might be killing time on dating apps.

please be careful with your feelings and the feelings of others. under normal circumstances, i—and others—would advise scheduling an in person date as soon as possible with a potential match. because you really have no way of knowing if the chemistry is going to be there once you take that person off of a screen and into the real world. i don’t just mean how a person looks—it’s the way they talk, the way they move into a room, the way they smell, the amount of eye contact they do or don’t make. these are all things that our brains fill in when we’re chatting on a screen and it can be easy to embellish.

so my quick little PSA for all of you in regards to this is: be careful not to invest too much emotionally to your new pen pals. and be mindful of how your words might cause them to invest an inappropriate amount of emotion into you. it’s a weird time, lots of us are lonelier than we’re used to and everyone is a bit nervous about the future. let’s all try and be mindful of that—both on the apps and off of them.

okay, here are your questions:

jeff, his brother hank, his pillow, and one of our unicorns

i’ve recently got out of a four year relationship, i’m still friends with my ex boyfriend and would like to just be friends with him. he still hopes we'll get back together but i know i’ll never take him back. i’ve been seeing one of my coworkers and i enjoy our time together and he makes me happier than i was when I was with my ex. am i rushing into something or is this natural? should i pull away or let life just take me where it's gonna take me??

it’s generally pretty okay to be friends with your ex. and it’s generally very okay—even expected—to begin a new relationship after an old one ends. the thing missing from your question, which is going to make my answer a little hazy, is the time in between the breakup and those things happening.

i can infer from your question that it probably isn’t a super dope idea for you to be friends with your ex at this time. no matter how clear you’re being with him about not wanting to get back together with him, your presence in his life is still likely going to inspire hope and that hope will ultimately hinder his ability to move on—as you already have.

as for the coworker sitch: it doesn’t sound like you’re too concerned about this relationship (or the potential end of said relationship) being a problem in your work life so i don’t see why you shouldn’t, as you put it, let life take you where it’s going to take you. i have historically been, and remain, unopposed to ‘rebound’ relationships. just so long as you’re being honest with this new person about where you’re at.

every person processes break ups differently and every break up is different. the only responsibility you really have in all of this is to make sure you’re doing your best not to be unnecessarily cruel or reckless with the emotions of others. so in conclusion, cut your ex off for a decent chunk of time and enjoy your new thing.

24 year old girl/woman/human here. i have had my share of passionate and intimate affairs, but no one seems to want to commit? i have tried non-exclusivity, keeping things ambiguous for 3 months, worked on making my needs clear, ....and still i end up throwing my time and energy into a void. everyone suggests it's the times/generation- that everyone is non-commital and this is modern dating. i don't want to tell a first date that i’m looking for a serious relationship because that seems forced. i believe in meeting people and seeing what we feel. except that eventually they stop feeling the way i do (perhaps that new-relationship-energy just never fades for me). how do i trust people who suggest commitment and even show glimpses of it when everyone keeps falling through (and sucking at communicating about their shifting feelings)? what can i do in a situation that seems beyond my control?

first off, i am so sorry for the absolutely ridiculous delay in responding to this. i hope this problem has worked itself out. but in case it hasn’t—or in case someone else has found themselves in your shoes—let’s dive into this one:

this one is really tough because you’re doing all of the right things. it doesn’t sound to me like you’re putting any sort of energy out that could be read as desperation—which is usually the thing that sends people running in these kinds of situations. it sounds like you’re going with the flow and being receptive of the needs of the people you connect with.

for that reason, i’d really like to think that in the months that this has been in my inbox (again sorry!), this problem has worked itself out. but if i left my answer at that, i’d (once again) not be doing my job.

first off, you describe yourself as “throwing your time and energy into a void” and i think that’s something you can control. sort of. i think viewing any sort of connection that doesn’t blossom into the more serious connection you were seeking as a waste of time is a bit dismissive and possibly problematic. it might even be the root of the problem (i realized as i typed that sentence).

is it possible that these people you’re connecting with can sense that you view the connection as something that you’re sinking energy into as opposed to gaining energy from? that might be an indication that you’re putting a little too much in, too early, and that might be scaring people off. or it might give off the impression that you’re not actually getting a lot out of the relationship which may make someone less likely to want to commit.

so what can you do? well, at the risk of being uselessly abstract: learn to take things from these relationships/connections regardless of their duration or seriousness. focus on what things you can learn from the people you connect with and what experiences you can have with them in the present. because if the duration of a connection alone is enough for you to feel like it was a waste of time, then your end goal wasn’t enough about that person specifically and more about the role you wanted someone to fill. and that’s not a great recipe for a 10+ year bond with someone.

best of luck to you.

all of the cats are in this picture. can you spot them all?

how do i date a woman that says she wants a sugar daddy?

oh, and she’s 15 hours away from here.

i’d imagine you’d probably start by giving her some money.