hi everyone.

thank you all for the questions this week. this column definitely keeps me busy and sane and i am very happy to have the time to be doing it again. i hope it has been in some way beneficial to you as well.

i moved to Minneapolis a year ago for a partner and a new job, but primarily it was for the partner. we wanted to end long distance so badly. but then, six months after getting here, they broke up with me abruptly and more than likely for another person. my feelings for them are still strong. the breakup was really bad.

to put it bluntly, i’m really lonely. my job is fine, i’ve been trying to do all the "right" things- going to therapy, meeting new friends, getting involved in the community. but at the end of the day i still think about the love lost, especially when so many places in this city that isn't mine are connected to a memory.

i’ve never felt more lost and uncertain of what comes next. what do i do?

questions like yours are always tricky for me because the largest part of my answer—something i’m sure you already knew—is going to be that it just takes time. you’ve only been out of the ‘in person’ phase of your past relationship for as long as you were in it. you’ve only been single in this new city for as long as you weren’t.

the situation that we all find ourselves in at the moment even further complicates my ability to answer, as my advice before would have been to go on some dates. shocking, i know, a dating advice columnist recommending… dating. but it does help. even if you aren’t looking for something serious, getting to experience a new place through the eyes of someone who knows that place—someone who you find somewhat attractive and interesting—is a fast way to draw new associations and rid yourself of the painful existing ones.

but i think ultimately these two things, time and getting to know new people, are just placeholders for filling in the gaps that this ex left you with. which parts of that relationship, and the version of you from that relationship, do you want to keep; and which parts can you do without? the further you get from this relationship, the easier those things will be to see.

so i guess my advice on what to do is… basically what we’re all doing right now due to the pandemic. you just have to get through this slightly unpleasant and uncertain time. that means finding ways to make it entertaining at times, finding ways to make it productive at times, and accepting that things are going to feel this way for a while—not forever—that it’s okay to not have everything figured out or to be 100% content while you figure it out. it will get easier.

my partner is extremely upset that i have pictures of myself and my ex on my facebook. she brings it up often and it always ends in a fight. i’ve told her that i don’t think it’s fair that i should have to take them down as they have been on there for a long time.

these pictures aren’t like front and center on my page. you definitely have to do some digging to see them. and i post a lot of pictures of my partner on my page so i don’t think she thinks i’m hiding her or not treating her the same way.

part of me just wants to give in and take them down so the fighting will stop but i’m worried that if i do this… what’s next, you know?

i think you need to draw a hard boundary here with your partner. you need to say that you will not have this conversation with her again and enforce that. even if that means excusing yourself from the conversation when she brings it up.

when you allow this to turn into a fight, you’re giving her a chance to make her case and as long as she can do that, she will feel that this request is a possibility. and as long as she feels that this request is a possibility, she will align herself with that outcome as opposed to the healthier outcome, which is that she simply doesn’t go seeking these images that make her so uncomfortable.

insecurity is something that exists, to some extent, in just about every relationship and there are healthy ways to deal with it and unhealthy ways. reassuring your partner of your attraction to them and your commitment to them is healthy. and this is something you can and should make available to your partner when you draw that hard boundary.

but you are entitled to your memories—and your photos. and for most of us millennials, Facebook is where those photos live. i mean, honestly, where else are you going to find digital photos from ten years go? think about all of the devices that came before the one you’re reading this column on. do you even know where the smart phone or digital camera you had in high school is? and what if you’re trying to remember what you looked like with short hair and you can’t find any pictures because you’ve had the same hairstyle for years now but you’re really thinking it’s time for a change and you remember it looking really good on you…

i’m getting off-topic here. the point is, your partner needs to come to accept that her insecurities are, ultimately, her responsibility. and i don’t mean that in a cold ‘not my problem’ kind of way. rather, i mean, the only way she’s going to be able to be comfortable in this—or any—relationship is if she learns to deal with them in a healthy way. winning this argument would only take her further away from actually doing that.