was she an art model in a past life?
hello readers,
i’ve got another question regarding everyone’s favorite topics: nudity, social media, and images from one’s past. i want to thank my anonymous reader here for the question and encourage everyone else to submit a question of their own. anyway, here’s your question—and my answer.
i found that my girlfriend has artistic nude photos on instagram, not on her account. i found in the photographer's which has hundreds of photos. this was before me, like 2 years before actually. when i think about this i kind of know this should not be an issue, but we have been together for just 3 months and i keep looking at those photos and i don't like how it feels. i know she had no obligation to explain herself to me about this, i just want to ask her about this but i don't know how and it's something silly maybe, but i have been literally dreaming with how we fight when i ask her that for over two weeks now. so my question is, if she wants to do it again later, and let's say we talk about that, and i tell her how i feel and she does not do it again. she would be sacrificing her freedom, what she likes for me and that does not sound ok to me. but if I tell her go ahead and do it i would feel bad inside. how should i approach this so it does not grow in a serious issue?
being that you are a person, and your girlfriend is choosing to date you—and i get a strong monogamy vibe from your question—your girlfriend is already giving up some of her “freedoms” to be in this relationship. this is the nature of all relationships. although it’s less about giving something up than it is about making a compromise to get something back. and this alone should not be a cause for concern. however, “thou shalt not pose nude(th) for art photos” is not one of the default commandments of monogamy. and if that is going to be one of the conditions of your relationship, you should make that clear as soon as possible.
you say these photos are public so i can’t imagine you did anything sneaky or immoral to gain access to them. so if it’s something you want to talk about, i don’t see any reason to be particularly delicate about how you bring it up. just say, “hey, i saw these photos of you. that’s cool. what was that like?” if it turns out that this is something that she might want to do again, then you can let her know that it would make you uncomfortable, and she can make an informed decision about staying in the relationship. though, i do suspect that if this was something she had a vested interest in, she would’ve done it more than one time two years ago.
something about your question that did raise my eyebrow was the turn of phrase “explain herself to me about this.” people have been sculpting, painting, drawing, and photographing naked people for centuries. our society is completely obsessed with nudity. and i don’t think it should require any rationalization on your girlfriend’s part to “explain” why she wanted to participate in that. for a lot of people, posing naked, particularly for a skilled photographer, can be a really positive thing and i’m a big advocate for it. it can provide a big boost to one’s self esteem. and frankly, our bodies aren’t going to last forever. an intimate picture of yourself that was taken when you were younger might end up being something you cherish later in life.
you don’t say what it is about these photos that makes you feel “bad” when you look at them. and i don’t want to make assumptions about you. but if there is some kind of contradiction in you, where you enjoy looking at these kinds of photos but you lose respect for the people, particularly women, who participate in them—you should work on that. if it’s a jealous thing… i guess i’m struggling to wrap my head around whom the jealousy would fall upon. these photos are really just evidence that someone, at someone point, saw your girlfriend naked, which i assume is not a revelation to you. all of that said, you seem to have respect for your girlfriend’s autonomy and i detect a sincere effort being made to not let these negative feelings turn you into a controlling asshole. so kudos to you on that one.
some closing thoughts: posing for naked photos—or even making pornography—does not speak to one’s trustworthiness or fidelity. girls without naked photos online likely get just as many creepy dudes in their DMs as girls with them. and we live in the age of cellphone cameras. for every person you date, there will be an ex who has a few hastily snapped naked photos saved on their phone. there’s just nothing worth worrying or reading too much into about these kinds of photos.