apologies for the long absence. i started a new job recently and i’ve been a bit busy with that. my apologies to the question asker.

but, please do continue to send me questions. i am settled into my new routine now and the show will go on. anyway, here’s a question—and answer.

i’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year now. last summer he decided it was okay to pull his phone out while we were having sex and recorded 3 “short” video clips - all without my consent. i did not know it was happening as he was sneaky about it.

several months later I was asking him how often he watches porn. he then told me he had a video of us that he watches. we’re in a long distance relationship. when i asked him why he did this (also while expressing my anger / sadness) he said he did it because he misses me and wants to have something to watch. he said he knew i’d say no if he asked...

i asked him to delete it immediately and he did.

without realizing myself the seriousness of the situation, i forgave him. however, after a few more months, i started thinking about it again and googled it, learning that it was illegal and a form of sexual exploitation/assault.

i then asked him more questions, “did you share it anywhere/with anyone?” all no’s. and that he deleted it awhile ago when i asked him to.

i started to feel the trauma from not being asked by my boyfriend if he could film my naked body. i brought all of this to him (and my therapist) and told him he would need to get help in order for us to move forward. he’s owned up to everything, talked to one of his friends and is now in therapy and wants us both to heal.

i’m afraid that even with his efforts to understand the severity of this and unlearn toxic masculine behaviors, i may not be able to forgive him, even if i want to. i love him so much, and to think of losing this relationship because of this one incident hurts. i am so conflicted.

if i move forward in this relationship, am i somehow disrespecting myself? is this forgivable considering his openness to getting help?

so your boyfriend secretly recorded you two, which he claims he did because he knew you wouldn’t consent to it—which is, obviously, a horrible thing to do. but then, months later, he just comes out and tells you he did it. why? i’ve been stuck on that why for a while. i can see a variety of possibilities.

the most favorable possibility being, he felt guilty and was looking for a chance to broach the topic. the median possibility being he thought, either incorrectly or correctly, that you don’t like him watching porn of other girls and that you’d be flattered or something; which is, obviously, stupid. the least favorable read is that your boyfriend resents the distance in your relationship and felt entitled to this and kind of brought this up as a, “well, what did you expect.”

all of these reads show a tremendous lack of judgement on your boyfriend’s part. i don’t know anything else about this person or really anything else about your relationship, so it’s possible (guaranteed, in fact) that i’m missing something. none of the assumptions i could make to fill in those blanks are particularly favorable, though.

so here’s my 3 part answer.

i have a bias against long distance relationships. i know that there are people for whom they work perfectly. i’m not an expert on that, though. and i generally tend to assume that people in long distance relationships would prefer to be closer to their partners. i wouldn’t suggest either of you make a serious life change (relocation) for this relationship for quite a while. and so because of that, i would also probably suggest ending this relationship. the fact that you’re asking me this question—and the way you phrase it—makes this seem like something that’s going to be difficult to forgive. and that’s not really a good place to be for either of you. again, particularly in a long distance relationship where the next step is often (but not always) going to be one of you uprooting your life for the relationship.

but if you do choose to stay with this person, possibly for reasons that weren’t included in your questions—no, you aren’t disrespecting yourself. you don’t mention any other abusive behaviors or red flags and it sounds like your boyfriend has taken this seriously. so if you feel like what you’re getting out of this relationship is worth what you’re putting in (and going to have to put in to return to normal), then i don’t see any reason that you should feel bad or foolish.

i think that many things are forgivable—within reason, obviously. what i think people need to look out for are patterns. because everyone makes mistakes. and sometimes those mistakes can involve some extremely bad judgment and the longer we spend with people, the more likely we are to run into some of those mistakes. that doesn’t mean people are owed forgiveness when they make those mistakes. all i’m saying is, just because someone does something once, doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily do it again.

in a lot of my previous questions about this kind of thing, the bad actor shows no remorse. and in those situations, it’s almost guaranteed that the behavior will repeat—and more than likely escalate. that’s what i mean by a pattern. you say your boyfriend is showing remorse and taking steps to rectify the situation. you don’t mention any other red flags. that doesn’t’ mean he’s incapable of doing this again, but i don’t think that based on what you’ve told me, that you’d necessarily be foolish or reckless to think that he’s learned his lesson.