i just ended things with a guy because he was being super weird with his sister. he’d always talked about her a lot and it was clear she was part of his life but i’d never met her until we all went to the state fair together. on that day he was practically ignoring me for her. worse than that, though, he kept getting all weird when she’d talk about guys or when guys would talk to her. the weirdest part, though, was how touchy they were. he even fed her a corndog! before i ended things, i brought this up but he acted like i was crazy. am i crazy? like what the hell?
despite certain trends in pornography, incestuous crushes are not actually becoming more common. as uncomfortable as this question makes me, it’s too over the top not to include. so let’s get into it—i brought some science to help us with this question.
first, the obvious implication of this question: is this dude crushing on his sister? well, sure, anything is possible. but these kinds of attractions are exceedingly rare because of something called the Westermarck effect (also known as reverse sexual imprinting) which theorizes that people who live in close proximity during the first few years of their lives become desensitized to sexual attraction. scientists believe that this exists in our genetic code to prevent inbreeding.
so why is this dude feeding his sister corndogs then? well, families come in all different levels of touchy feely—the way he acted may have just been a reflection of his household growing up. because his psyche is conditioned to view his sister non-sexually, he may not be aware of how this behavior is coming across to you, a person suspicious of his closeness to his sister.
now, about him acting weird about other guys interacting with his sister: it sounds like this guy has the old overprotective, make-sure-i’m-cleaning-my-gun-in-the-living-room-when-a-boy-comes-to-meet-my-daughter, attitude that television and movies ten years ago tried to sell to us as endeering—but that we now know to be blatantly condescending and misogynistic. he thinks the women in his life can’t fend for themselves and that’s how he’d treat you if he were your partner. not a great look.
and if he’s ignoring you all day to feed his sister corndogs, kinda sounds like you dodged a huge bullet anyway.
how do i make new friends as an introverted out of state transplant? i’m from a nearby state known for drinking, and don't have an issue with alcohol, but i would love to develop deeper friendships than those made at the bar or a club.currently working with no friends/connections in the city/state other than "casual work acquaintances". helpppp!!
in my experience, organic friendships, like the ones you’d make when you’re out and about, tend to happen when you bring someone from one environment into another. if there’s a person who you always share notes with in a class, for example, and you invite them to go bowling or get a drink—well, that’s how you’d go about turning that person into a friend. so if you’ve got people you meet at bars or clubs and you’re exchanging contact information, inviting them to do something different, during the day time would likely lead that down the path of deeper friendship. ditto with your coworkers.
we all play multiple roles in our day to day lives—coworker, gym buddy, motorcycle riding buddy, knitting club member. when you take a person that you know from one role and invite them to step out of that role, you’re setting up that small relationship to grow into something bigger. so if you’re finding the current pickings to be slim, maybe consider joining some kind of activity. a weekly bike ride or a cooking class or a book club so that you can take on more roles yourself.
personally though, speaking as a fellow introvert, i made pretty much all of my friends online. dating apps can be good for making friends—i met some of my best friends on tinder. and there are also some apps and websites specifically geared toward platonic friendship that i’ve heard good things about (bumble bbf, meetup.com). oh, and other advice givers always say volunteering. so there’s that, too.
my ex and i have been separated/broken up (i’m not even sure how to word it) for a fair amount of time now and although i’m not sad about it anymore i still get sick to my stomach when i think about him being with someone else romantically. how do i navigate these emotions and process it?
you say that you’re over this break up which, in my mind, carries certain implications. the first of which being that you are no longer in contact with this person—if that isn’t true, then that’d be your first step right there. the second of which being that you don’t want to get back together with this person—or at the very least, it should mean you aren’t planning on getting back together. for the sake of my answer, we will assume both of those things to be true.
this is the small part of my answer:
so you’re no longer in contact with this person. you don’t see them, you don’t talk to them, ideally you don’t look at their social media—they’re out of your life. you can’t police your thoughts, the person may slip into your mind from time to time; but you can police these things. if you maintain this distance properly, you won’t know what they’re up to. you may think what if? but when doing so, just remember that it’s merely a hypothetical designed by the bad part of your mind to make you feel bad. if you accidentally found a real face to put on this person—either a friend told you or you accidentally saw them with someone else online or something—just remember that your impression of that new person is still just a fabrication created by that bad part of your brain to make you feel bad. in addition, the way you think your ex feels about this new person (and the way you think they feel about your ex) is also fake, created by the bad part of your brain to make you feel bad.
this is the bigger part:
there’s one final thing that we have to assume for my answer and that’s that you cared and possibly still care about this person. you dated this person so i think this is a fair assumption. it won’t be easy but i think the best way to combat these unpleasant feelings is to overwrite the bad part of your brain with the compassionate one. you cared about your ex and you don’t plan on getting back together with them—do you really want them to be alone? it won’t feel natural at first, but over time, with some corrective thoughts, you can replace that sick to your stomach feeling with the same feelings you’d feel when one of your friends gets boo’d up. it will just require you to tap into your desire for this person to be happy—and to remind yourself that your future is no longer tied to this person and what they do will not have an effect on you.