hey, so i have been in a relationship with my bf for almost two years now. i found out after we moved in together that he was sexting other girls while we were together. when i found out about it, it had already stopped so i forgave it since he said nothing was physical. well, a few months ago i saw that he had nudes of those girls on his phone. i asked if he can delete them and he said he would, but he still has them and says they are just photos its not that big of a deal. am i just being prude? is this something that is normal? it not only upsets me that their nudes of his old gfs but also nudes of girls he was sexting while we were together? i don't want to call that cheating, but i cant help to feel a little cheated here. he's also constantly looking them up on social media and i asked him if he still had feelings for them and claimed that it was an insult to him for me to be question his love.

it is possible to cheat in a non monogamous relationship. that may seem painfully obvious to some—but to others, it may sound confusing. and i bring this up, not because i believe that either you or your partner believe your relationship to be non monogamous, but rather because there is an important lesson that i think the monogamous crowd needs to take from the non monogamous crowd.

a relationship is, on an abstract level, a set of terms agreed upon by both parties. in a non monogamous relationship, those terms must be agreed upon in advanced. such terms might be something like, ‘i’m okay with you being with other people as long as it’s no one i know’ or ‘i’m okay with you being with other people as long as you tell me first and use protection’. if a person were to violate one of those terms, they would be cheating.

however, people in monogamous relationships seldom have those kinds of conversations. people tend to have their own assumed definition of monogamy and when they enter into a monogamous commitment, they assume the other person is bringing that same definition. but things like holding hands, liking someone’s pictures on social media, sleeping in the same bed with someone else (platonically)—or in your case, sexting, dating apps, or having nudes of someone else on his phone (which we have talked about before), can sometimes be gray areas. and since people don’t go into monogamous relationships with a checklist, sometimes there’s a disconnect. remember, though, a relationship is a completely made up thing that both parties agree to. if one party isn’t comfortable with hand holding and the other is, one person is going to have to make a compromise or the agreement won’t work.

anyway, since you’re hesitating to call your boyfriend’s past sexting sessions cheating, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt (well, of many doubts) and call it a disconnect between your individual definitions of monogamy. and i think you handled this disconnect very well. you forgave the indiscretion and vocalized your expectations of the agreement that is your relationship (by asking him to delete the photos).

now had he said, upon your request to delete the photos, that ‘they are just photos, it’s not that big of a deal’, that would be one thing. but he did not. he said that he would delete them—and he did not. i would definitely consider that cheating—i think most people would.

and this gaslight-y ‘how dare you question my love for you’ response he gave when you asked about these girls on social media? that’s an extremely manipulative thing of him to say and it makes me wonder what other things he’s said to work you to the conclusion that him sexting other girls and keeping their nudes on his phone does not equal cheating. this type of behavior is a major red flag and i think for you to stay in this relationship, you’ll need for him to provide some kind of indication that it won’t escalate. which brings me to my advice:

at minimum, and i mean bare minimum, i think you need to have a discussion about what counts as cheating in your relationship. you caught him sexting and you didn’t bolt. the fact that (he claims) nothing physical happened was enough for you to forgive him. so maybe there’s room for him to have these kinds of interactions in this relationship. by giving him permission to do these things, you eliminate the need for him to be dishonest with you about these interactions and allow there to be a running dialog going about what you are and are not comfortable with. in theory, that is. unfortunately, there’s no guarantee that he won’t continue to lie to you even if he has permission to do these things.

which brings us to:

you can end this relationship. you should end this relationship. you gave your boyfriend a chance to earn your trust back and he did not demonstrate that he was capable of doing so—if you’re looking for permission to leave, i hereby grant it tenfold. i led with the other option because if you stay in this relationship, there will be more indiscretions like this—being in this relationship means this behavior will continue. i think you really need to think about what that means for you and if it’s going to be worth it. like i said, you gave him a chance to earn your trust back—he did not make a serious effort to do so. you’re only 2 years in and this hasn’t been a simple, one time mistake. it’s already a pattern and i think it’s fair to say, based on that pattern, that this is maximum level of ‘monogamy’ that your boyfriend is capable of.

i hope this helps. good luck.