why do i have this weird desire for my ex to try to get back with me so that i can turn her down?
l’esprit de l'escalier. “the spirit of the staircase” (sometimes referred to as staircase wit). it describes the feeling of—upon the passage of time—having the perfect rebuke or rebuttal to a cutting remark. it seems to me that the end of this relationship may have been cutting in its own way. at minimum, it has left you unresolved.
relationships make us into different people. sometimes that’s for the better and other times it isn’t. either way, the duration of your absence from this relationship has acted as your staircase in this regard. you now know that this relationship is a bad idea and perhaps you also feel equipped to articulate just why that is.
the underlying reason behind this desire could be as simple as you wanting some kind of resolution to the feelings left over from this relationship. or it might be motivated by a kind of transactional desire to boost your self-esteem at the cost of your ex’s (possibly upgrading your status from the dumped to the executioner of the relationship).
or maybe there just aren’t enough new people or things in your life for you to hold these internal changes up to, causing you to keep looking toward the past to validate them.
to resolve this feeling, i’d recommend making sure that the changes brought on by the end of this relationship are changes that benefit and please you as a solo entity—not you in the context of the old relationship. think about why this person’s opinion still matters to you and ask if there’s anyone else in your life who’s opinion might matter more. and finally, spend time around new people. maybe that means dating or maybe it just means going out a little bit more. when you meet someone that doesn’t know you—and didn’t know you as your ex’s partner—you can observe how they see you (and how you present yourself). and that’s a much better lens to observe these changes from than that of your ex.
my girlfriend recently moved her cats in with me. i hate them. they pee on everything. they meow constantly when they don't get their way. it's impossible to sleep with them, as well as without them. and don't even get me started on the fucking licking.
asking her to get rid of them will likely result in a break up. i love her but i just want to go back to the days of coming home and not stepping on cat litter. what do i do?
ah, yes, the tiring antics of the recently misplaced cat. when my ex and i moved—and our two cats had to move with us, obviously—our two sweet little cats turned into absolute monsters. they ruined all of the new furniture we bought by peeing on it or clawing it and they fought constantly.
your girlfriend’s cats are now in a new environment with new smells—likely smells of other cats if other cats live in your neighborhood. it is also highly likely that they can tell you don’t like them. all of this means the cats don’t feel safe and are very anxious, resulting in the bad behavior. so the question then becomes, could you live with two reasonably well-behaved cats?
if not for the litter, the peeing, the meowing, the “fucking licking”, would this still be an issue? because if that’s the case, then your partner has a right to know. some people are pet people—some aren’t. for a pet person to be happy in life, they need a pet. if you can’t accommodate that, you owe it to your partner—and yourself, realistically—to let them know so they can make an informed decision about living with you.
but if it is the bad behavior of these cats—which I suspect it is, because who doesn’t love cats!?—then there are a few things you can do. first of all, just washing the spots they pee isn’t going to cut it. you’ll need to buy (or maybe your girlfriend will need to buy) a spray designed to eliminate the odor completely or else the cats will continue to pee in that spot. you have two cats so—at least for now—you need at least 3 litter boxes. these two things should at least help with the peeing.
for the actual behavior, you could consider trying a CBD-based medicine. these medicines can be a little pricy but i have heard a lot of success stories and you don’t need to go to a vet or anything to get them so they’re at least cheaper in that regard. i also recommend—again, just for the time being—keeping all of the doors inside of your house open so the cats are free to go wherever they want. this will make them considerably less territorial which, again, will cut down on the peeing and the acting out. as for getting them to leave you alone, you could look into getting some solo-play toys, such a door hanging toy or a motorized one.
finally, if you have in it in you, try to find a way to love the little monsters. i found Jeff, believe it or not, in the bad cage at the shelter. his chart said he had been surrendered for peeing on furniture and he wouldn’t even let me pick him up! well, i’ve had him for a year and a half now and he’s never once had an accident and he’s probably the sweetest cat i know. living things are a product of their environment, after all—good, loving environment = good, loving cats/girlfriend(s).
“i’m addicted to checking my ex boyfriend’s social media. i do it daily. every time i think about it, i can’t resist the urge; but afterwards, i always feel guilty and creepy. how do i stop this weirdness?”
there are two places in which i think most people really really try to make their lives seems glamorous. those two places are: on a first date and on social media. as a relationship unfolds and people become more comfortable with each other—sometimes even taking each other for granted—that “best self” we present on first dates and on social media gets washed away.
after we end things with the ugly, flawed human we discover our now ex to have been, sometimes we end up longing for the person we built them up to be in our heads. and that fictional person that captivated us, the one we actually miss, still exists—just not in real life.
so what should you do to end the weirdness? one of two things: reconnect with the actual person. demystify the collection of photos, videos, and words that this person is using to channel that “best self”. you’ll either remember why things ended between you two or you’ll find that they’ve changed—either way, you’ll be interacting with a real human being with depth and flaws as opposed to the carefully curated stream of content that this person is using to build themselves up.
two: block them on all social media. police yourself from checking their social media when you get the urge. eventually—hopefully—the urge will go away or at least diminish a bit.
these two options are both harsh, i get that. on the one hand, reconnecting is scary because they might hurt you again (or maybe they’re unwilling to reconnect with you and so social media is all you have). on the other, cutting them out completely makes you feel like you might be missing out on something good.
recently a friend of mine was swinging on a rope swing with the intention of jumping out into a lake. when the time came to jump, he second guessed the drop and kept holding onto the rope. he swung right back into a tree and broke his rib. get it?
“i’ve liked this guy for a bit now, but the issue is that he has a girlfriend and lives with her. he’s told me they have issues and i obviously don’t ask anymore about it since it’s his life, and i wouldn’t want to interfere with his relationship. i don’t want to tell him how i feel, because i don’t want to ruin things between us since I enjoy being his friend. what should i do?”
on Jersey Shore, mike “The Situation” told “Snookie” (who was very upset with her boyfriend) that he loved her and that this was evident because of how quickly he answered her text messages. i believe the episode ended with her throwing a bottle of champagne at him. so probably don’t do that.
i can’t speak to whether or not this boy likes you, nor can i give you a series of steps to take that would end with him and you together.
there is a somewhat easy solution, though. just keep being yourself and enjoying life. realistically, one of two things is going on—one, he’s genuinely unhappy with this person and looking to find the strength to end it. or two, he’s just going through a rough patch and the relationship will stand.
if it’s the later, well, you’re being yourself and having fun which is what you should be doing anyway. someone else will come into the picture and things will be hunky dory.
if it’s the former, then by living a fun happy life, you’ll be providing reassurance to him that being single isn’t so scary and that he doesn’t need to cling to someone that doesn’t make him happy just to avoid it.
realistically, you shouldn’t get your hopes up. there is no particularly healthy situation wherein the two of you end up together in the near near future, but life is long. if you guys stay friends, who knows what could happen.
“i can’t stop comparing myself to my ex’s new girlfriend. what should i do?”
look, we’ve all been there. it’s 2:30am, you’re laying in your bed a little tipsy, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram and suddenly you get the brilliant idea to type in that old familiar handle… and guess the fuck what, they’re seeing someone else. Alexa, play Mr. Brightside.
there is no one version of you. you’re a different person when you’re with your mom, when you’re with your best friend, and also with every single romantic partner you’ve ever been with. and—this sentence is going to be a nightmare—every single romantic partner you’ve ever been with will be a different person with every single romantic partner they ever have.
so yeah, maybe your ex seems happy with his new girlfriend. maybe he’s going to spend more time with her than he did with you. maybe he’s finally going to start doing that thing you were trying to get him to do for years and you asked him every fucking day and he never did it and now with this girl he’s going to—it doesn’t matter, though. because, provided this new girl isn’t just a rebound, his new relationship will include a new set of sacrifices and shortcoming—not equal to, greater than, or less than those of your relationship, but different.
understand that this boy never knew you and you never knew him. you each knew the version of each other that the other brought out in you. and his new girlfriend will never know the exact version of him that you knew. and finally, understand that the versions of yourselves that you presented to each other were not compatible with each other.
“when’s the best time to have the “what are we” conversation?”
hanging out with someone new is exciting—especially when it’s someone you really like. asking “what are we?” runs the risk of scaring them away so it can be tempting to put this conversation off. but it’s important, especially at the start of something, to have some kind of conversation about each person’s intentions. however, instead of “what are we?”, you should try asking these two questions.
first, “what are you looking for?” does this person want a relationship (presumably with you) and do they feel they’re in a good place to embark on one. this is a good time to air any (relevant) dirty laundry about ex’s or recent breakups—as well as finding out if they’re seeing anyone else.
if it turns out that this person is interested in or open to someday having a relationship with you (and you with them), it’s then time to talk about what kind of relationship they feel comfortable with. polyamorous, ethnically non-monogamous, and “monogamish” relationships are becoming more and more mainstream and it’s important to clarify what you’re comfortable with in any given situation.
so—now that I’ve completely changed the question—when should you have that first “what are you looking for?” conversation? since this conversation isn’t about what you “are” it can and should happen before you “are” anything. that is to say, the answer is, really, pretty much as soon as you start to feel that you might want some kind of a relationship with this person. after all, “playing it cool” only has the capacity to make this person like the version of you that’s “playing it cool” so unless you want to keep that up for the duration of your relationship, you might as well just be yourself.
“i stopped partying and now 70 percent of my friends are uninterested in hanging out with me. what should i do?”
when i was in graduate school, i got sober in an effort to improve my mental health. i didn’t struggle with addiction but at the same time maintaining my sobriety was important to me. this turned out to be an insanely annoying endeavor that amounted to me doing very little with my nights. in our society, it really feels like you’re either sober because you have to be, or you drink. i learned a few things:
first off, drinking and drugs are still, for the most part, a nighttime affair so if your friends are particularly annoying about their partying, catching them during the day can be a nice way to avoid this issue. at the very least, most people pace themselves while the sun is up.
the biggest thing, however, to understand about this issue is that people drink—mostly—because they’re bored. when people get drunk, things tend to happen—drama, make-out sessions, fast-food binges. if you take the settings people drink in and remove the drinking, there’s not a lot of room for that stuff. if i’m sober in the backseat of a car, suddenly that Crunch Wrap Supreme is just calories i don’t need. that annoying thing my friend keeps doing is just a conversation we need to have instead of a shouting match. everything is just… normal.
my solution? don’t do normal things. go climb a rock or race a go-kart or scuba dive or laser tag or anything that require some semblance of brain power—preferably something with a little danger involved. your friends are likely in a routine with drinking so you’ll have to do a bit of work planning and pitching an evening like this but chances are, at least a few of your friends are bored enough of the routine to back your play on it.
"'how soon is “too soon” to start seeing someone after a break-up?”
there’s really no such thing as a “typical breakup” just as there’s no such thing as a “typical relationship”. every person in the world is a collection a million unique features, opinions, and idiosyncrasies; and a relationship takes two of those collections and meshes them together, creating millions more. so instead of thinking of this question as a question of time, let’s look at it as a question of conditions: “what needs to happen after a breakup before I can see someone else?”
sometimes the “work” of a breakup is done long before the breakup even happens. some relationships cool off. people stop fighting. and then they stop talking. and they just coexist until one of them shrugs and says, i guess we should break up. in this case, the connection between the two people was broken before the relationship ended.
other times, relationships end in big ugly crying fights followed by long bouts of drinking and strippers and—i’m projecting, sorry. the point is, sometimes a relationship ends before the connection between the two people is broken. this creates a “wound” of sorts and that “wound” needs time to heal. these are the breakups that people need a break after—or sometimes a rebound (though that can be a tacky thing to do to someone…).
but realistically, we don’t get to choose when we meet the person we want to date. forcing yourself not to date someone you really like because the timing doesn’t feel right is a level of discipline many of us don’t have—and maybe there’s a good reason for that. we’re here to live our lives and do our best to be happy and connecting with someone on a real level requires a lot of things to go right.
is it possible that this person just feels right because they’re different from the person that was wrong—or because they keep you from thinking about that person? sure, it’s possible—and you might not even be able to tell. so what should you do?
you should be honest with the new person. don’t drone on about your ex by any means, but make sure that this person knows you’re coming from something else—something else that’s fresh—and let them decide if it’s worth the risk.
“how do i ask my boyfriend to spend more time with me without seeming needy?”
first off, ask yourself, is he making you feel needy or are you being needy? are we trying to add time onto every day or are we just trying to bump it up to more than once a week? this question is, unfortunately, going to be one of those questions where i have to give out some tough love…
there’s no universal model for a “healthy” relationship—instead there are a collection of factors that should line up relatively well between two people to create a relationship that satisfies both of them. and the time spent together is a huge one. some people are very invested in their careers or hobbies and for those people, an ideal relationship consists of seeing their partner once a week or less. for others, frequent romance and intimacy are very important—their ideal relationship involves being attached at the hip. neither of these things are wrong or unhealthy but if you’ve got one of these people with the opposite kind… well, someone is always going to end up unhappy.
i think it’s a bad sign that you’re worried about seeming “needy” in this negotiation. open communication is always important when it comes to the fundamental aspects of a relationship (which, as i’ve said, time spent together definitely falls under). if you’re feeling negatively about how you’ll be perceived for asking for what you need from a partner, you need to then ask yourself if this is coming from you or the way your partner treats you. while it’s true that you won’t always (or really ever) get everything you need from a relationship, it is important to feel like you’re being heard by your partner—that they’re making some effort to meet your needs. if your partner is making you feel negatively about expressing and trying to have these needs met, it may be a sign that your partner isn’t a good fit.